09/07/2026
The Intern
Last Friday our intern R finished her 3-month internship, just when it start to feel like summer is leaving. The chilly wind brought by the drizzles, the uncomfortable dryness my throat started to sense. R is a student in junior year from a local public university, where a lot of first generation immigrant parents would send their kids to. She is 12 years old younger than me, which is a complete cycle in the Chinese 12 zodiacs, which is a Chinese way of measuring the age gap.
R is cute and perky (I only intend to sound like a caring sister or aunt, not a pervert older coworker). She would buy packs of snacks from the 2nd floor self-serve shops in the office just because she usually doesn’t eat breakfast in school, bring in bunches of free bananas, and ask ready for lunch before 12 when all the people are still in the middle of work. When she started to feel she’s behind in the project, she stopped to be the first person ringing people for lunch. She is not perky in white people or American way, like you’ve never encountered any drawbacks and brought up with all the encouragement an Asian kid can never imagine, maybe because she’s Chinese and she’s a girl after all. During lunch she would tell us she just moved to a new apartment last weekend, her frustration in school social life, her relationship with her parents, her expectations for a relationship, the project progress, etc. Some of us maybe 1 year older than her but already fatigued by the day-to-day work at this place; some of us are 12 years or even more older than her.
When I was in those conversation with her, I was trying my best not to sound like an old lady or 老登. Technically speaking, I am an old sister or aunt to her, can you recall how you imagine 35 years olds when you were 21? I simply wanted to avoid sounding like my parents, giving unsolicited advice like “You’ll know come to understand it when you’re older”. While she was telling the sorrows of a college girl, like wanted to get a driver license so that her friends would invite her to go on a road trip, but why she needs a driver license when she doesn’t even own a car. There was an urge to say to her things like, just go get a license, it’s not that hard; or make some other friends who would take you to road trip even though you cannot share driving; or if you really think about it, how often do they go on road trips, are you really missing out that much? Or when she spoke about her like for sweetness, dislike for sour or bitter tastes, it’s hard not to say: these are acquired tastes, you might get to like them when you’re older. I suppressed my urge to avoid sound like a 老登. I don’t know what answer she is looking for, or maybe she is not looking for advice, just keep the harmless conversation going in a coworker space. Or she finished her gesture by speaking out.
Interacting with people is like looking into a mirror, I see folds of 22-year-old me in her, meanwhile she’s way different. I didn’t even dare to apply for an internship for this tech company I am working for when I was at her age. I was quiet and reticent in most public spaces. I found it embarrassing to share private lives to coworkers, although I don’t find embarrassing that much now, but still not something I usually actively do. I looked like I don’t want to get involved with the people and the world around me, but deep down was expecting interesting encounters happen to me. I had many sorrows and frustrations like hers. I wanted to do this and that, but I didn’t know how to start, or rather all the thoughts, worries and restrictions on my mind didn’t allow myself to actually start act on them. I wonder why the world operates in a way I couldn’t understand, why some people seem to fit in these social conventions with little or no effort, why it seems just me who struggled to follow. I wanted to get involved but in the meantime I don’t want to get into the games at all. I can’t say I’m good at these adulting, social conventions things, but at least I found a way with most of the stuff that had to be dealt with, without blaming myself.
If I had one unsolicited advice to R, that would be things will come through, it’s just a journey you have to live and find the answers yourself.
The Party
I went to my date’s housewarming party the other weekend. I usually don’t attend this sort of things, except during a phase I would regularly go to board games. At some phase, over and over again, I got nothing but disappointment out of these gatherings. I realized I was putting too much expectations on these gathering, or for some other reason, I just simply don’t get the chance to know “cool” people that I imagined at that time. The “cool” people would disappoint me at some point eventually, or I would come to realize they are not as “cool” as I thought, the coolness is just what I project on them. Or the coolness does not necessarily mean they would treat me the way I expected, which could be simply unrealistic. Probably I misunderstand the meaning of these parties or gatherings from the start. No one is wrong, the cool people, the party goers or me. It’s just the dynamic I was stuck in. It’ll come through.
But anyways, I was interested to see how my date handles this, what does he get out from it, from someone like me, who probably on have thrown a party once, and what kind of people he get involved with. Or deep down I still have a unbelieving thought how people can get to know their good friends or partners in a party like this. At the party, people seem like they go to gatherings like this a lot. They have prepared stories to share, and not awkward when telling the stories. There are people who shared some somewhat interesting activities, like a Kant reading club, or a self-defense learning organized by the local police department. Also there are people sharing things I found “boring”, like coming up with their own AI agents with a certain purpose which they described for 10 minutes. I tried to come to this occasion with least judgement, which I did. It’s fine, that is what they do. We all got what we do. It’s funny though more than 2 people complimented on my tattoo, there are more Evangelion fans than expected. I was trying to carry on a conversation about the meaning of this spear from the Evangelion story, perhaps no one really get my point, I realized once again. But I was not disappointed. They probably would remember not much either. There were time people can open chat, I guess it could be hard to get to a “deep” conversation stemmed from the icebreakers.
After the party my date asked me was there anyone I am interested to follow up and know, I said probably his bartender friend. He brought a bunch of interesting infuse combinations in small mason jars, and talked his thought on these combination, why he chose to mix these things together. I don’t know honestly, still it puzzles me how these social gatherings turned into deep authentic, more close relationships. It’s not like it never happened to me, also I don’t mind going sometimes as of now, and I could carry a better conversation, pretend to be less awkward than I could. I guess it would be fun if it is occasional and with no intention at all.
The Marriage
I got married last week. It’s spontaneous and not that much without a plan. Mostly it felt natural and comfortable with this person. I guess I wasn’t expecting this either. But it was propelled by two conversations with friends, both related to immigration process, like the longer you are married the more authentic the marriage seems to the immigration institution. Yes eventually it’s all about immigration, which is just one of the few things you can take advantage in this country in this system, by getting married and let another person suffer even a little bit shorter in the whole process. It might be hard imagine for myself 10 years, even 5 years ago. It is hard for all the people who are not part of this immigration process to understand, why I would make this decision to get married even though you doubt about the constitution. People, strange or close, would ask questions like, are you in love, are you getting married because of you’re in a relationship, very naturally. I guess I am not asking everyone to question the long-running social construct, so sound so cynical and take a stance of battle against all of these establishments. I always wonder how some of my peers would get into marriage right out of school. Probably they were simply lucky, or they would rather trust a person they chose to run away from their family. I didn’t hear much doubt or uncertainties expressed by them. Or maybe they were not encouraged to speak about it. Looking back, I would feel frustrated need to explain to my parents or someone who don’t need to undergo the immigration process why this matters, and further disappointed by the fact they barely understand even though I tried my best to explain. But I’m not. People would just care to see what they see in things happened.
And I withheld this whole big news from my parents until I got the official certificate. I held the communication with my parents for several years, not sure if they were suppressing the talk that I should find someone and get married which I disdained for a while. Did they really change their mind about this. When I made the announcement to them, it just turned out nothing has changed at all. They sound happy, and they turned into the parents who used to ask me time to time that you’re old enough, you should fine someone, we are worried that you’re all by yourself in another country far from home. My mother had some bittersweet thoughts, she felt alone in this joy shared with other family members. She was disappointed that I didn’t tell her anything, not to mention consult with her. It might be a pill hard to swallow, that I stopped telling her a lot of things from a long time ago. Maybe I’m not too frustrated by the fact that they are still who they are after all. A little frustrated by they saying: “We’re glad you made this decision. We knew it will come to you.” I just need to find the strategy to stand up to my opinions.
Yet again, I feel like I’m in a phase where I would look more stick to the social norms like most other people. Or go with the flow, step into the the mainstream. On the one hand I don’t hold a strong hatred or cynical thought against these things from a younger 20s’ standpoint, when I would think marriage it’s a social construct that intended for the state apparatus, is against human nature; on the other hand I still think this is true to some extent, but not as like we should to rebel against this seemingly invincible machine. I don’t know what to do honestly, still. But I am not against it at this moment, or rather, I wouldn’t believe that I have a choice like I did. Probably this leads back to the 老登 mindset like I have when I see R. Things will just come through.
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